Wednesday, August 5, 2015

This is hard

I remember when I was pregnant with Natalie, and so many people seemed in awe by the fact that I wasn't freaking out with worry over her. We had found out that she was going to have some medical issues (most she did not have, for those of you who don't know the story) I just felt a calmness, and feeling of peace during my time I carried her. I'm not sure if it was because I was carrying her, and holding her, and just felt close and connected to her. What I do know, is that, both Nate and I already knew no matter what happened when she was born, we were going to love her, care for her, and protect her with a fierceness never before seen.  She is healthy, beautiful, and one of the best things that ever happened to us.  :) 

I think that is why being so far away from our little guy is so, so hard. I can't be there for him at night if he wakes up and cries, I can't hold him when he needs to be held. Does he even cry anymore for someone to hold him, or has he learned over the past 23 months, that most of the time no one is going to come. I pray every day he feels his fathers love and protection over him. I pray that the caretakers treat him with kindness and love, rather than with a sense of duty.

I so badly need trip one dates to come and be here so I can see for myself that he is okay. I can't wait to whisper in his ear, that he is loved, that he has a mommy and a daddy who will move heaven and earth to get to him, and that he has 3 big sisters that can't wait to love on him.   Getting on that plane to come home after trip one will be the hardest thing I've had to do yet in my entire life. The only thing that will get us on that plane, is knowing the sooner we get back home and finish up paperwork, that sooner we can get back to bring him home. That, and the fact that we will miss our three here at home like crazy! 

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